What Are The Chances Of 'Never?
by JulieM
Summary: Mac has told Harm that she can no longer keep their baby deal, during the Admiral’s diningout. Everything apart from Mattie’s departure and Cresswell's arrival after H&F 1, during the actual JAG timeline never happens. COMPLETE!
1. Chapter 1

Title: What Are The Chances Of 'Never'?

Summary: Mac has told Harm that she can no longer keep their baby deal, during the Admiral's dining-out. Everything (apart from Mattie's departure) after this episode during the actual JAG timeline never happens. The General still comes to JAG and Mattie still goes to live with her Father, but there is no flying accident and Harm and Mac are not transferred anywhere.

AN: I meant to have this out earlier, but RL interfered as always! I'll post regularly and as often as I can, to make it you!

Disclaimer: I don't own JAG or any of its characters, but just borrow them for a while to exercise my overactive imagination! JAG belongs to DPB, Bellisarius Productions and CBS.

Spoilers: Hail and Farewell 1 & 2.

Rating: T. But this might change, further in.

Category: H/M angst & shipper.

Feedback is always very welcome!

OOOO

Ch 1

Mac sighed as she poured herself her morning cup of coffee, slamming the carafe back into place once she was done. She had been doing that a lot lately, slamming things. It was one of the ways she let out the anger and the frustration that she was feeling. And she only had herself to blame for it. Many times, she had almost cracked under the pressure, but she kept telling herself that this was the best thing, all around, for everyone involved. Her head was listening, but her heart was not. It was too busy breaking…

Soon after the Admiral's dining out, she had again told Harm that she could no longer keep their baby deal. She could see by his face that he was not convinced.

"Mac, it's too soon…You've been dealt a hell of a blow in the last few weeks. Take some time before…"

"No! Don't you see? I can't do this! This is never going to work!"

Ah, that awful word, again; never.

Harm hadn't said much else, but she could see by the look on his face that this was not over, not by a long shot.

'Never' had worked before. What had him so determined, now? But Mac knew, as each day that passed was bringing them closer to Little AJ's fifth birthday, she'd have to somehow get through to him that she wasn't going to change her mind. Sometimes, getting through to Harmon Rabb was like beating your head against a brick wall!

When the idea first entered Mac's mind, she at first dismissed it without much other thought. But after sleeping (or not sleeping, for that matter) on it for a night, she knew that there would be no other way. The only way to get Harm to pull away from somebody he cared for was to turn against him, to hurt him. Unfortunately, Mac knew a lot about doing that. Sure, it ran the opposite way as well, but Harm had recently been minimizing any kind of confrontation with her, even in the course of their jobs.

She thought about how Harm and Sturgis had drifted apart over the last year or so. Sturgis had been consistently, irrationally confrontational with Harm for the first half of their estrangement. The second half, he was distant, holding himself away from him in a way that certainly couldn't have been unconscious and unintentional. And so, faced with the prospect of a one-sided, up-hill battle, Harm had let it go, put up no fight. But would he let her go just as easily? Mac knew the answer to that; no way in hell!

So drastic measures were called for, harsh words that would hurt him so much that he would withdraw from her of his own volition. And by doing so, Mac was more certain that he would stay away. Sure, it was cruel, but it was the only way. And it was for his own good. There was no way that he would still appreciate her in twenty five years, when friend's grandchildren were coming along and they didn't even have children of their own. He'd see her for the burden she was. What was it that Sadiq had called her? Barren…He couldn't have been more right…

So, on Little AJ's birthday, she arrived at the house bearing his present and having rehearsed all of the words she was going to tell Harm. She knew he'd find a way to corner her and bait her into conversation eventually, so she didn't even try to resist. To her surprise, Harm left it until after AJ's last friends had collected their party-bags and gone home. She shouldn't have been surprised. She could see that he was desperate to talk to her, but this was Little AJ's day and he would never cause a ruckus and ruin his Godson's day. It was evening, when a few of the last adults were sitting back with a drink, before calling it a night. Harm found Mac on the porch swing, where she had sat in hopes of avoiding him, at least for a little while (The porch swing was in sort of a little alcove.)

She said nothing as he broached the subject. At her silence, he continued, thinking that it was her way of hearing him out. But he didn't even finish his thoughts before she interrupted him.

"I know you've been through the wringer since last December, Mac, but I don't even want to put a date on this, it doesn't even have to happen this year…"

"No."

"It…wait, what?"

"No," Mac had said, clearer, "I won't do this."

"Mac, I know 'less-than-five-percent' isn't great odds, but it's better than zero."

"That's besides the point," Mac had replied, "I know that I said that I couldn't, but I wasn't being completely honest. What I should have told you is that I won't. That I don't want this."

"You don't want this?"

By the look on his face, Mac could tell that she couldn't have hurt him more if she had rammed a knife through his heart.

She took a breath and resolved herself to finish what she had started. There had to be no way back, the bridge had to be completely destroyed.

"I don't want this. I don't want it with you and I won't."

Now, he looked at her like she had disemboweled him and was jumping rope with his innards. His mouth was opening and closing without uttering a sound. He couldn't find a word to say, in the face of this. Mac softened slightly, but only for a second. She couldn't give him any hope whatsoever. He had to move on with his life, find somebody who could give him what she never would be able to.

"I'm sorry Harm, but no…Never."

And that was that…

Or so she thought.

Cases kept being assigned to her that couldn't have tried and tested her resolve than if Harm had assigned them to her himself, in a last ditch effort to change her mind. She was beginning to think that the General could read her mind and had decided to have some fun with her. Mac had never been so miserable in her life, not even after Paraguay, after Webb's death and subsequent return.

For two months straight, she'd go home after an emotionally draining day working these cases and cry herself to sleep. She lost weight, the lack of proper sleep had her irritable and her concentration was completely shot. These cases were going to be the death of her.

OOOO


	2. Chapter 2

OOOO

From Ch 1...

For two months straight, she'd go home after an emotionally draining day working these cases and cry herself to sleep. She lost weight, the lack of proper sleep had her irritable and her concentration was completely shot. These cases were going to be the death of her.

OOOO

Ch 2

First of all, she had been defending an officer accused child abuse; A Marine Sergeant Major and his own child; his six-year-old son. Harm was prosecuting and seeing Harm's gentle manner with the little boy during questioning had understandably shaken her. She tried telling herself that she was protecting Harm's right to have a son of his own, someday, but her heart kept pointing out that she would love to be the person to give Harm what he had always wanted, had only ever contemplated having children with him. As expected, she lost the case, but Mac was beyond caring. It wasn't as if she hadn't done everything in her power to help her client, but justice was served, in the end. The details of the case still gave her nightmares, though. Nightmares of her own violent childhood, intermingled with some horrifying details thought up by her own twisted subconscious imagination.

Once that was over, she was summoned to Fort Bragg, NC to investigate a mishap that had killed a young female lieutenant. Most of the interviewing was done with one of the lieutenant's fellow officers, who, she soon learned, had watched her from afar for most of their time there (and Mac later learned from the woman's journals, that the feeling was mutual.) By the time that negligence and cover-ups by a commanding officer had been uncovered, Mac had seen the depth of the officers' love for each other. Yet they had both (for many reasons, apart from regulations) stopped themselves from acting upon it. It had taken a tragedy like this to even get the male lieutenant to say it aloud…Mac tried to tell herself that her and Harm's circumstances were far different from those of the two lieutenants.

Finally, Mac was given a case that really put her through the wringer. She was summoned early one early-autumn Saturday morning to the naval yard at Norfolk, where operations had ground to a halt upon an unusual and heart-breaking discovery. After Mac had shown her id at the gate and proceeded to park, she was met by a young ensign and escorted to where the USS Stennis was supposed to be leaving port today. That would be delayed for a few days, so that Mac could question the officers who had made the discovery, soon after daybreak, this morning. Mac fought to keep her Marine façade in place and her legs actually shook as she crouched down to lift the white sheet up. As if the tiny shrouded figure didn't looked bad enough, this impossibly small figure in a pink baby-grow was infinitely more heartbreaking. The coroner told her that the child had been alive when she had been left, but succumb to the harsh elements soon before the naval personnel discovered her. One thing was clear and it grated on Mac's self-control; This little baby girl had been abandoned here sometime last night, while there were fewer chances of her being discovered. Whether this was intentional or not never registered with Mac, her heart was bleeding for this tiny scrap of humanity who deserved so much more than what she had received in her short life.

After conducting some interviews and setting some more up for the next day, Mac hurried home so that she could shower and change before she left for the Roberts' house. It was Jimmy Roberts' birthday today and as loath as she felt about going (The murdered baby girl had left her feeling queasy and very emotionally raw,) she just couldn't let her Godchildren down.

When she arrived, she was the last one to get there, but was no more than an hour and a half late. Jimmy and Little AJ were delighted to see her and she spent a couple of minutes watching them as they and their friends indulged in a game of 'musical bumps.'

She felt marginally more cheerful, although her heart stung a bit when she saw Harm helping Harriet carry food for the banquet out of the kitchen and to the tables that had been set out in the yard. Now, Mac couldn't help but allow herself to think about how much she wanted a life with him; a life filled with love, laughter and little-ones…

Harm caught sight of her and gave her a little smile. He then turned around and followed Harriet back inside. Bud was now helping the hired clown to keep the kids entertained with balloon animals. Little AJ, however, looked like he was contemplating leading a rebellion against what he saw as 'little-kids-stuff.' When he tired of the organized fun, he took off in search of his Uncle Harm. Mac went to help Bud get all of the kids sitting down in an orderly manner to watch the clown, away from where the food was still being set up.

Little AJ presently appeared out of the house again, without his Uncle and Godfather, but with someone else. Mac watched as he held Nikki Roberts by the hands and encouraged her to walk in front of him. They had managed shakily down the steps of the front porch, but once in the yard, the terrain was even more arduous for the little girl. Mac had set off soon after catching sight of them, to go and retrieve Nikki, when Harm emerged from the back-doorway. He was just in time to see Nikki stumble on something and lurch forwards, falling so fast AJ lost his grip on her hands. Her forehead impacted with the grass and even though she was not physically hurt, she was shaken enough to let out a piercing cry. Harm hurried over and Mac thought her heart was about to catapult into her mouth, when he lifted the crying child into his arms and held her close, as he gently rocked her. She knew she should probably let Bud know what had happened, as he had no less than four children hanging off him at the moment and had not seen the accident, but she couldn't tear her gaze from Harm and the little girl crying against his shoulder. His lips were moving softly as he comforted her and kissed her baby-soft face. Mac could swear she felt her ovaries jump…

Eventually, Harriet came running from inside the house and took over comforting her daughter, but Mac stood watching long after Harm had relinquished her. The image was burned onto the inside of her eyelids.

"It's okay, Ma'am," Bud finally broke her out of her reverie, "she'll be fine. She's not as steady on her feet as her twin brother, but she'll get there. She's every bit as stubborn and tenacious as her Mother!"

Mac smiled and nodded, going to where everything was now nearly ready for the children's tea party. They took the ceram-wrap off all of the dishes and platters, then let the kids wire in, while they munched their own meal, at a table close by. Harriet still had Nikki in her arms and Bud's brother, Mikey, had Nikki's twin; his namesake, Michael.

She exchanged gazes with Harm every now and then, but mostly tried to keep her eyes off him. If she didn't, she knew all of her resolve concerning him would go out of the window.

When the party was over, she kissed all of her Godchildren goodbye, thanked Bud and Harriet and walked out to her car. Being the last to get there, it was also the furthest from the house. She was glad of the privacy and sat for a short while in the driver's seat, trying to get herself together. She'd never felt closer to crying, not even on the dock, that morning. She knew it would be a different matter when she got home and got ready for bed. Crying herself to sleep was a regular occurrence, these days. She may be a marine, but she had just seen a vision of all that she wanted with Harm, knowing that it would be wrong of her to pursue it, not when she knew it could never possibly happen. It hurt, to love that deeply, yet still deny oneself. Mac knew her heart would never quite be the same again.

OOOO


	3. Chapter 3

From Ch 2...

When the party was over, she kissed all of her Godchildren goodbye, thanked Bud and Harriet and walked out to her car. Being the last to get there, it was also the furthest from the house. She was glad of the privacy and sat for a short while in the driver's seat, trying to get herself together. She'd never felt closer to crying, not even on the dock, that morning. She knew it would be a different matter when she got home and got ready for bed. Crying herself to sleep was a regular occurrence, these days. She may be a marine, but she had just seen a vision of all that she wanted with Harm, knowing that it would be wrong of her to pursue it, not when she knew it could never possibly happen. It hurt, to love that deeply, yet still deny oneself. Mac knew her heart would never quite be the same again.

OOOO

Ch 3

A knock at her window startled her out of her inner thoughts. Harm was standing at her window, looking concerned. She wound the window down and tried to cover up the emotion she had roiling around inside of her.

"Are you okay, Mac?" Harm asked her, "Back there…I don't know, you just seemed kinda upset."

"It's nothing, Harm," Mac shook her head, "It's just been a long day…"

"Are you sure?" Harm persisted, "When Nikki took that tumble, you really began to look pale. Would you like me to run you home? You really shouldn't be driving, after a shock like that. I could ask Bud to bring your car over, later."

"I don't want to bother them…" Mac began, but Harm pulled open her door, gently but insistently persuading her out of her seat.

"Then I'll come back and get it myself…and you know that it isn't any trouble for me, I wouldn't offer if it was."

He led her to his car, which was parked close to her own.

At her questioning look, Harm explained, "I wanted it as far away from the carloads of children as possible. You know what parents are like when they're got kids grappling for their attention. There was sure to be a fender-bender and I'm sure my vette would come away worse off than an SUV."

On their drive to her apartment, Harm gently questioned Mac about her bad-turn, back at the party.

"What happened, Mac? Was it something to do with Nikki's tumble?"

Mac didn't want to hurt him by telling him that he had been the cause of her funny-turn, so she decided to go with some thing that was embellished truth.

"Kind of…I just had a really horrible morning, that's all. The General asked me to go down to do a preliminary investigation at Norfolk. Some officers aboard the USS Stennis found a body on the dock when they reported for duty, this morning; the body of a baby. It looks like she was left while she was still alive, but the elements became too much for her, sometime before sunrise, this morning…"

"I'm sorry, Mac…" Harm took her hand in his and squeezed it, "It's a horrible case, one bad enough on it's own, but I bet a children's party was the last thing you felt like coming to, afterwards."

"Much as I love my Godchildren, yeah, I guess so," Mac nodded, taking a deep, steeling breath.

Her proximity to her object of desire was doing nothing for her self-control. All of her reasoning was beginning to unravel before her very eyes. Her mind even asked her what would be so bad about establishing a relationship with Harm and seeing what life brought them.

"Nikki's growing up to be a beautiful little girl," Mac tried to keep her mouth busy, so that her mind would stop harassing her.

"Yeah, she is," Harm's whole demeanor softened when she spoke their Godchild.

Of course, all of their Godchildren were special to them, but Nikki Roberts was the first Goddaughter whom they had had the opportunity to be hands-on with. Although they both refrained from spending time together with the Roberts children (It was totally unintentional on both of their parts, but would have just hurt too much in the face of their seemingly impossible relationship) they both played an important, separate role in the children's life.

"She's looking more and more like her Mom, every day…" Harm continued and then silence fell upon the space around them.

Harm was giving her another one of those meaningful looks that could so easily shatter her resolve, if she let it.

Mac looked away and noticed the traffic light they had stopped at turn green. A beep from the car behind them soon told Harm as much and Mac let out a quiet sigh of relief when Harm dropped the subject and continued the journey towards Georgetown without another word.

When they pulled up to Mac's building, Mac murmured a quite 'thank-you' to him, before climbing out of the vette and making her way inside. She wanted to look back, she really did, but knew that Harm wouldn't take her at her words if he kept catching snippets of hesitation.

She didn't see Harm as he sadly shook his head, before pulling away.

OOOO

Mac was back to slamming things around, the next morning. Including the newspaper. The front page carried a piece about the baby girl found at Norfolk. And it carried a lot of detail that should not be public knowledge; what the baby was wearing; details of the crime-scene; the estimated time of death, even.

Mac threw the whole thing in the trash, angrily. If she ever got hold of that reporter, recon marines wouldn't be able to keep her off him!

Grabbing her briefcase, she set her coffee mug down in the sink and headed for the door.

OOOO

Three weeks later and still, they were no closer to discovering who this baby was. The press had started calling her 'Baby Angel'. A quiet and unceremonious burial took place, in a quiet little churchyard near to JAG Headquarters in Falls Church. Mac passed this churchyard everyday on her way to work and she liked how peaceful, how serene it always looked. It was small and not crowded and it seemed to Mac like the perfect resting place for an angel taken too soon from this world. But since it was the state of Virginia burying her, they hadn't wanted to pay the extra for a burial in a private cemetery. Mac had eventually convinced them by saying that she would pay the extra. She felt that it was the little that she could do for this poor child. There were a handful of NICS officers attending that morning, who had involvement with the case. They kept their attention focused on the churchyard around them, in case the baby's mother had a twinge of guilt and decided to attend at a distance. Mac kept her attention focused on the small casket. It just seemed wrong, to have a casket that small. It didn't seem real. Bud had shared these exact thoughts with her one time and Mac realized that was exactly it! Life should not be given and taken away with the next breath…this all just seemed so wrong.

OOOO


	4. Chapter 4

OOOO

Ch 4

Harm knocked on her office door, later that afternoon. Looking up and seeing who it was, Mac was tempted to turn him away. She could clearly see by his face that this was definitely not a work-related visit. However, she summoned him in, all the same.

"Hey, just wanted to ask…" Harm started to ask something else, then changed his mind, taking a seat, "hey, you okay, Mac?"

"I will be if I ever get this damn court martial off my hands," Mac commented, dryly.

"Maaac…" he frowned as he drew her name out in that childish way she hated, that infuriated her. She used that to cement her resolve.

"Haaarm!" She replied, mimicking his childish tone, before giving him a piercing look, "Why are you in here, driving me insane just a breath after asking me if I'm okay? I'm not; I'm tired, I'm overworked and now I've got you coming down on me too…"

"I only asked if you were okay…" Harm actually sounded even more like a child, now.

"And when I make a completely innocent joke, you start harping on at me for not being serious...I'm having a tough time, lately, what with cases and all and I'd rather not have my face rubbed in it, not when I'm wading ankle deep in this sh…mess…already!"

"Fine," Harm replied, sullenly and turned around for the door.

Mac almost called out to him, but stopped her lips before they began to move. No hesitation, no second thoughts.

Mac just gave a sigh, got up and closed her office blinds. That should tell everyone that her office was out-of-bounds today…and to her surprise, it worked.

She took off early, that day, after requesting and being granted it from the General. Harriet and the rest of the staff watched unobtrusively from the doorway of the break room as Mac walked quickly and determinedly out of JAG Ops and towards the elevators.

Harm, who had noticed and turned back to the coffee machine, commented, snidely, "Wish we all got away with that, with the General. Marine Corps membership must come with freemason-like perks, these days…"

"Excuse me, Sir?" Harriet and Jennifer both looked at him, wide-eyed, incredulous.

They both told themselves that they must have misheard him, misinterpreted the malice in his voice.

"Well, she didn't get here until 1100 today and here it is, only 1630 and she's already heading home. The General must be softening up, these days…"

His tone was no less snide and was clearly understood by all in the room; Bud, Harriet, Jen, Sturgis and General Cresswell, who had entered while Harm had poured his coffee and added sugar and cream.

Jennifer should have announced his arrival and in the process cut Harm's tirade off, but had been shocked into silence by Harm's attitude and too much had already been said.

"Commander, my office, NOW…" the General didn't look shocked, but plenty angry.

Harm's bravado quickly disappeared. He followed the General, automatically, into his office. He was thrown for a loop when he got there, waiting for Cresswell to seat himself and he looked briefly at the man to find all traces of anger gone.

"I could never bring myself to think that a naval officer would have such low regard for a fellow officer, one with whom he has reputed to have been through so much, so I'm currently telling myself that there must be some sort of explanation that I'm missing…"

He paused, looking at Harm, as if this explanation would be pinned somewhere on his uniform, perhaps beside his fruit salad.

"And those fellow officers outside seemed to be as perplexed by this situation as I am…Harm, what on earth is going on? What motivated you to say something so hateful?"

Now Harm really was perplexed.

"No disrespect meant to you, Sir," Harm started, picking his words carefully, "But I was only puzzled by the Colonel's unusual hours, today…To say nothing of her attitude…"

The last thing was said under his breath, but Cresswell heard it anyway.

"Tell me, Commander," he asked, "When was the last time you spoke to the Colonel?"

"Uh, she and I had a…uh, discourse…in her office in her office just over an hour ago, but I'd hardly say it was a conversation, Sir…"

"Then I can only presume you don't know…" Cresswell concluded.

"What exactly is it about what I've said that has so shocked everyone, sir?" Harm asked, genuinely, "Perhaps if I understood, I could begin to put things right with everyone, make amends…"

"I think you may be the only one out of the loop with Colonel Mackenzie's obligations, this week…Bud and Harriet have been helping her with some…aspects they have experience with, Sturgis was on hand to help her discuss ceremony arrangements with Chaplain Turner and Jen helped with ordering the flowers and such…"

"Ceremony arrangements, Sir? Flowers?"

"Harm, Mac was at the funeral ceremony for that abandoned baby girl, this morning. She herself paid the extra, so that the little girl could be placed to rest in a private cemetery, with more than just a basic ceremony and an unmarked grave. This case has been slowly destroying her, for the past three weeks. Surely you noticed this?"

Seconds passed and all that Harm was able to think about was the bile that was rising in his throat. He swallowed it down, hard, before opening his mouth and attempting to speak, again.

"I'm sorry, Sir…I had no idea…I…Mac never said anything to me. Neither did anyone else…I…I guess that I haven't been paying the colonel much attention, this week…"

"I'd say so, Commander," the General let his irritation get the better of him, but powered down when he saw Harm's pale, repentant countenance, "I think you owe those people out there an explanation. Especially the parents of your Godchild, whom they buried in similar tragic circumstances and who have relived it all again this week, in a bid to help a friend who they saw was struggling with everything on her own. Then, I think you need to take off and offer your friend and fellow officer an apology and some support that has been sorely lacking, this week…"

"Yes, Sir," Harm snapped to, with admirable energy, despite his shaky appearance.

OOOO


	5. Chapter 5

OOOO

From Ch 4...

Seconds passed and all that Harm was able to think about was the bile that was rising in his throat. He swallowed it down, hard, before opening his mouth and attempting to speak, again.

"I'm sorry, Sir…I had no idea…I…Mac never said anything to me. Neither did anyone else…I…I guess that I haven't been paying the colonel much attention, this week…"

"I'd say so, Commander," the General let his irritation get the better of him, but powered down when he saw Harm's pale, repentant countenance, "I think you owe those people out there an explanation. Especially the parents of your Godchild, whom they buried in similar tragic circumstances and who have relived it all again this week, in a bid to help a friend who they saw was struggling with everything on her own. Then, I think you need to take off and offer your friend and fellow officer an apology and some support that has been sorely lacking, this week…"

"Yes, Sir," Harm snapped to, with admirable energy, despite his shaky appearance.

OOOO

Ch 5

After a long and contrite explanation and apology to all those present in the break room, Harm got all his things together and got into his car to go home. He didn't make it past the turning for Georgetown, he took off his uniform jacket and loosened his tie, deciding that this couldn't wait for him to go home and change.

Mac looked surprised to see him, when she opened her front door. He could tell that she had been crying at some point; her face was once again washed and dried, but her red-rimmed eyes and slightly shaky façade told him that she was not dealing with her day well.

"Harm, what are you doing here? I don't want to…" she looked at him like he was the last person she wanted to see, but Harm was determined and unperturbed.

"Mac, wait…I came here because I owe you an apology…"

This stunned Mac into silence, so Harm continued.

"Today, I was less than sympathetic when you had had a really tough day and I started throwing questions and comments at you when you were far from prepared to answer them, far from able to…"

"Harm, I'm sorry I didn't say anything, but I was at a funeral this morning…"

"Yeah, I know…and I'm sorry that I wasn't paying enough attention these past few weeks to notice just how much you were struggling with. What you did for that baby…Mac, it was a wonderful thing to do. I'm sorry for not being there for you."

"Harm, I could have come to you at any point for help…but I didn't. I don't even know why…"

"And I owe you an apology for what I said today…"

Mac looked at him, puzzled. The only thing she could remember him saying that had irritated her was, 'Maaaacc!'

"After you left the office today, I'm afraid that I flew off the handle and made a thoughtless comment to some of our co-workers. I had no idea what you had been through today and never would have said what I did, if I knew. The General chewed me out and put me straight. I also apologized to our friends. I am so sorry, Mac. I really need to stop speaking before I've had chance put my brain into 'drive.' You deserve more than that from me…"

Here, Harm really did become alarmed, when Mac sunk down to sit on her couch and burst into tears. It was only a second before Harm came to his senses and crouched down beside her, reaching out cradle the side of her face in his hand and apologize to her again.

"I'm so sorry, Mac. I don't know why I keep hurting you like this, but it is certainly not because you deserve it; It's because I'm an ass…"

What he didn't know was that Mac wasn't thinking anything about what he had said in front of their friends at JAG Headquarters. She was focusing on his ending sentence;

'You deserve more than that from me…'

After all she had said to him, all the ways she had hurt him, made him think that he was not good enough for her; good enough to father her child, he was saying that she deserved more from him…To say that Mac was floored was an understatement.

It was as if a flood barrier had been destroyed; weeks, hell, months worth of emotions came crashing forth and Mac was helpless to do anything to stop them. When she only began to cry harder, Harm didn't hesitate to scoop her up into his arms and sit down again on her sofa with her on his knee. He held her as she cried even harder, rocking her gently and whispering words of comfort in her ear. When the sobs finally slowed, she tucked her face further into the junction of his neck and his chest, feeling so much lighter now that she had let it all out and allowed him to hold her like she had always wished for.

"I know I've been putting you under stress when you've got more than you can handle, Mac. I'm sorry. I promise that I'm not going to do that anymore. You made your decision and gave me your answer and I didn't want to accept it. That was wrong of me. It would be your body going through all this and not just the nine months of any potential pregnancy, but all of the tests and therapies and invasive procedures before we even got to that point. Unless the both of us are sure that is what we want, we can't go ahead. I'm not going to pressure you anymore. It's not fair to coerce you into doing this when you don't want to. And I don't blame you, when the cost is so high and I am hardly treating you the way I should be."

"Harm, you're my best friend…not only are my chances of conceiving very low, but our chances of getting through all of those procedures with our friendship intact…It's probably even closer to zero….I couldn't…I just can't…"

"I know, Mac. You're my best friend. Yeah, I wish that things could be different and we could have more, but there is nothing that I wouldn't do for you and if you don't want this or me, then I'm going to respect that. Having you in my life is enough. I couldn't survive you not being in my life Mac; you're very important to me."

"It's not that I don't want you, Harm," Mac just couldn't let him go on thinking that he wasn't good enough, "You're a great friend to me and from the day we made our baby deal, I couldn't ever see anyone else fathering my children. I wasn't totally truthful, that day I came to testify for you in the family courts. You aren't just that type of man, you are the man I picture being the father of my children. But you're also the friend I couldn't possibly cope without. And these near-impossible odds mean that if having a child together doesn't work out, you and I would be emotionally divided and have no choice in the matter…I'm sorry I said what I did about not wanting you. I didn't mean it."

Harm pulled her in for another hug, before lifting her from his lap and settling her on her feet.

"How about we fix coffee?" he suggested.

Mac was silent for a second, having just realized that she had not only been ensconced in Harm arms, but also settled in his lap.

"Uh, how about tea…I've got to sleep tonight."

"Sure," Harm nodded, smiling, before turning and walking into her kitchen.

Mac just stood, slightly perplexed and certainly with a bit of a complex building. She had just spent perhaps 15 minutes sitting in his lap. Sure, she'd been crying uncontrollably for about ten of those fifteen minutes, but he'd sat with her on his knee, her face snuggled into his neck, her arms around him, blowing into his neck and ear, while she told him how much he meant to her and how she wished they could be more than friends…For a whole five minutes. AND NOTHING! Something like this was very disconcerting to a woman!

"Tea's ready, Mac!"

Mac jumped out of her thoughts when she heard Harm's shout, accompanied by the whistle of the tea-kettle.

OOOO


	6. Chapter 6

OOOO

From Ch 5...

"Tea's ready, Mac!"

Mac jumped out of her thoughts when she heard Harm's shout, accompanied by the whistle of the tea-kettle.

OOOO

Ch 6

After that, things were a lot better, thanks to their tentative truce. Harm had made it clear that he respected her decision and Mac had made it clear that her decision had nothing to do with Harm. They were of course still in quite a bit of pain, they were both still in the process of grieving, but they were both sleeping a little better at nights. The respite swiftly came to an end, when the General announced that he was sending him out of town together, on an investigation.

"There's been a mishap at Miramar. Details are sketchy, right now, but a drill instructor and two recruits have been killed, both not even 20 years old. I want to know what happened and if somebody was negligent, I want their six nailed to my desk! You understand!"

"Aye, Sir," Harm and Mac both replied, crisply coming to attention and turning, once dismissed.

They went home to pack, after that, both thinking, "God, what am I getting myself into?"

And neither one was thinking anything about the mishap investigation….

OOOO

"I'm sorry, but we've only got one room that is non-smoking. The other is one the sixth floor, which is a smoking room."

After their bumpy (and delayed) military flight, this was the last thing they wanted to hear from the receptionist at the hotel.

"That will be f…"

"I'm afraid that won't be good enough," Harm cut in.

"But we don't have any other rooms available, just now, Sir. There's been a Star Trek convention in town, these past few days."

"Harm, I'll just take the room," Mac tried to reason with him, "I wouldn't make you sleep in a smoking room after you worked so hard to quit."

"The smoke won't bother me," Harm told her, "But Coates booked two non-smoking rooms for us and was told that was what we would get."

"I will have a non-smoking room opening up later, this evening," the receptionist, looking very worried, now, spoke up, "If you wouldn't mind taking the smoking room for now, I'll put a reserve on the other room and send somebody to collect your luggage, as soon as it is ready."

"That would be great, thank you," Mac told her, before Harm got a chance to argue further.

She swiftly took off in the direction of the stairs, before Harm recovered and took her elbow, guiding her towards the elevators, instead.

"Harm, it's only a few floors."

"With the luggage that you insisted on taking up yourself, instead of letting the bellhop transport it for you. Just let me have this one thing, will you?"

Mac turned and challenged him with a look.

"Okay, maybe not just that one thing…" he admitted.

Mac immediately went to punch the button for the sixth floor. Before she could, Harm batted her hand away and went to punch it himself. They got into a wrestling match, each trying to be the one to take the smoking room.

"Harm, I told you that I'd take the smoking room! It'll only be another few hours until the non-smoking room becomes available."

"I will not have you sitting in a smoky room, not with your health as it is, just now."

"I told you, the doctor gave me a clean bill of health. And I wouldn't put a former smoker in a room smelling of smoke any more than I would put myself in a bath-tub of vodka."

"All rooms come with a mini-bar, Mac. You don't end up drinking it and just because I was in a smoker's room, I wouldn't light-up, either."

"The alcohol is in the mini-bar, Harm, I'm not swimming in it!"

The elevator 'dinged' indicating that they had reached the fourth floor, where their non-smoking room was. Harm gave a sigh and stepped out, but pulling Mac with him. He kept his hand on her arm until they were both inside the room.

"Okay, it's only a few hours until the other room is ready…We'll both stay here until it is…Want to go over those case files that the General gave us?"

Now it was Mac's turn to sigh in amusement.

"Okay," she conceded, taking a seat next to him, as he pulled the files out of his travel bag.

OOOO

Mac's room (the one next to Harm's and with an connecting door between them) was available just a few hours later. The receptionist must have had to scramble to get this sorted out. They got all settled in, before they went out to find dinner. They would be reporting to the base CO at 0700, the next morning, so after dinner they both opted to get an early night.

Harm was concerned when he saw Mac the next morning; she looked like she hadn't gotten much sleep, although he hadn't heard her moving about in her room the night before…Not that he would have noticed it; he had slept like a log.

'Damn,' he thought, cursing how deeply he slept, 'Sometimes it is so inconvenient!'

"Hey, Mac! You want to grab a quick breakfast? I think they're serving already…."

Mac just shook her head. "Let's just drive in. Maybe we can grab something on-base, once we've reported to the Admiral."

Harm definitely knew now that something was not right.

Once they had more information from the base CO, Admiral Brinkoff, Harm and Mc headed to the mess hall, where Harm got a salad and Mac picked at a plate of fries.

When they were done, they conducted some interviews and arranged to see the area where the mishap took place.

OOOO

Three days later, when they had finally interviewed everyone involved and had experts examine the equipment for faults, they still had no other option available except for human error.

"There's no way that any of the equipment malfunctioned, Mac," Harm sighed, as they sat at in their temporary office, reading over the report, "The only thing I can think of was that somebody made a mistake while operating it."

Mac sighed also, adding, "Most probably one of the people involved, one who has paid for the mistake with their life…How do we tell their family this? That their loved-one they've lost caused their own death and that of two others? As if they aren't dealing with enough…"

Harm could only nod, ruefully.

OOOO


	7. Chapter 7

OOOO

From ch 6...

"There's no way that any of the equipment malfunctioned, Mac," Harm sighed, as they sat at in their temporary office, reading over the report, "The only thing I can think of was that somebody made a mistake while operating it."

Mac sighed also, adding, "Most probably one of the people involved, one who has paid for the mistake with their life…How do we tell their family this? That their loved-one they've lost caused their own death and that of two others? As if they aren't dealing with enough…"

Harm could only nod, ruefully.

OOOO

Ch 7

The next day, they were unable to get hold of one of the casualties' families; the drill instructor's wife. That meant that nobody could be told, even though they had come a tentative conclusion. Harm had already decided that they would call all the families in and tell each of them, one at a time…beginning with the drill instructor's wife, since he was in charge of the exercise. It didn't seem fair, since there was no concrete evidence against him, but when all other options had been ruled out and the others involved were just cadets, that was standard procedure. Harm and Mac would do the informing together, so the responsibility would be placed equally on each of them. But once they knew it would be put off for a couple of days, Harm and Mac decided to split up for the rest of the day; Harm to bring the admiral and the general up to speed while Mac finished and filed the paperwork. They had decided to meet up afterwards for an early dinner, back at the hotel. However, Harm's thoughtful idea of leaving Mac with the easier job of finishing off their report was not to be, despite his effort in convincing Mac. Twenty minutes after Harm left to meet for the conference call that Admiral Brinkoff had set up with General Cresswell back in DC, Mac heard a knock on the office door.

She was surprised to look up and find Mrs. Janine Willows, Commander Willow's (the drill instructor's) widow; the one person they had not been able to contact. But what should she do now? She could not all-out lie to the woman and say that their finding had not yet been reached. But she couldn't give the woman their findings, yet, not before the other families were on the base, ready to be informed…Luckily, it didn't come to that.

"Colonel McKenzie, would it be okay if I came in?" the pale, fragile-looking woman requested.

Mac invited her in and helped her to a seat.

"I've been thinking about this, over and over, ever since that last morning that Freddie left for class…I think I finally came to a conclusion, at four am this morning…"

Mac didn't say anything, but listened to the woman, a supportive expression on her face.

"Freddie probably shouldn't have been there, that morning…He was sleep deprived, not just short-term, but long-term. He hasn't been sleeping well, over the last few months, neither of us have and lately it seems to have gotten even worse. Freddie didn't want to take time off, even though he was due it. He said that was for new parents, ones who had kids they wanted to spend time with…"

Mac could tell that here lay the crux of the matter.

"You see, Colonel, three months ago, I went into premature labor with our third child. At the time, Michelle was our only surviving child, her gestation was the longest of all our children. One of our two older children was severely premature and the other was before 15 weeks, so neither of them survived but a few hours after they were born. Michelle was tiny, but seemed to be doing well, going from strength to strength in the NICU. About three weeks after she was born, we…lost her…to pneumonia. Freddie wasn't there when it happened. He had filled in teaching a class because one of his good friends was sick. Neither of us saw it coming…"

"I'm so sorry," Mac could only empathize, squeezing the woman's hand, supportively.

"He didn't take it well. He wasn't sleeping properly and his CO, although he didn't put him on leave, assigned him to administrative duties for a month, unofficially. I don't know what you and your partner have found, so far, but there's a strong possibility that Freddie made a mistake, that day. He loved his students and would never have purposefully done anything to harm them, but he was not a perfect man. He made mistakes and was never too proud to admit it. And I love him even more for it. He'd want it to be known, if that were the case."

Mac nodded and thanked Mrs. Willows for coming, promising to be in touch.

After that, she finished the paperwork and decided that Admiral Brinkoff could wait to hear about this newest development. She had to let her partner know, first.

While she was making her way back to the hotel, Mac had to slow down, as a heavy rain had begun to pour down. Mac ran all the way from the far side of the lot to the front entrance of the hotel (the car park seemed to be more clogged than usual, especially the lots closest to the entrance.) Dripping wet, she shouldered her way through the crowds of guests, most of them dressed in outlandish 'Star Trek' costumes, with full-face prosthetic make-up and even pointy ear extensions.

"Of all the times to be accosted by Trekkies!" Mac huffed, her teeth chattering.

The elevator was predictably slow; it seemed to be stuck on one of the upper floors, so Mac took the stairs, instead. Harm's voice rang in her ears, but Mac reasoned that it was only four floors. She made sure to take them carefully, since she was dripping wet and they were not even carpeted.

Harm caught her as she was trying to get her key in the door to her room. Her hands were numb and shaking.

"Mac, what…You're soaking! C'mon in, don't stand out in the cold…"

Thank heavens he didn't know that she had taken the stairs on the way up here and not the elevator!

He gently took her by the wrist, pulling her inside and towards her own room through the open connecting door.

"That's not what I was trying to do. I was trying to get my door open…" she shivered violently, attempting to explain.

"I'm sorry, I know…" Harm immediately knew just what she was trying to say, as always, "Let's get you into a hot shower, you're absolutely freezing…"

"Harm, wait, I need to tell you some thing first. Mrs…."

"After you get warmed up, Mac. Whatever it is can wait."

OOOO


	8. Chapter 8

Harm caught her as she was trying to get her key in the door to her room. Her hands were numb and shaking.

"Mac, what…You're soaking! C'mon in, don't stand out in the cold…"

Thank heavens he didn't know that she had taken the stairs on the way up here and not the elevator!

He gently took her by the wrist, pulling her inside and towards her own room through the open connecting door.

"That's not what I was trying to do. I was trying to get my door open…" she shivered violently, attempting to explain.

"I'm sorry, I know…" Harm immediately knew just what she was trying to say, as always, "Let's get you into a hot shower, you're absolutely freezing…"

"Harm, wait, I need to tell you some thing first. Mrs…."

"After you get warmed up, Mac. Whatever it is can wait."

OOOO

Ch 8

Mac didn't protest; her hands were actually hurting now, they were that cold. It felt like pins and needles were stabbing them, all over and not just in that mildly annoying way. Harm helped her out of her uniform jacket and tie, while she fumbled ineffectually with the buttons of her blouse. When the tie was gone, Harm could tell that she would be there all night if he didn't help her.

He apologized, before he replaced her hands with his own, undoing the first few buttons.

"Sorry, Mac, but you look like you really need some help, there. Let's get this off so that you can get into the shower and warm up."

He finished with the buttons, pulling the garment down her arms and dropping it to the floor then turning her around to get at her uniform skirt zipper. Mac felt herself begin to blush, but Harm put her at ease.

"What? I've already seen you in a bikini…You didn't seem this embarrassed when you were going topless on that beach in Sydney…"

"I was not topless!" Mac snorted, still shivering.

"Oh, so out it comes, now! I should have known you were just razzing me!" Harm laughed, finally getting the zipper on Mac's skirt down, "Okay, marine, suck it up and get into that warm shower! That's an order!"

Mac held her skirt around her at the waistband, so it wouldn't drop, entirely. It was bad enough that she was standing there in just a bra, partially see-through to boot; she didn't want to be reduced to just her panties, too. She was thinking that Harm was at least gentlemanly enough to avert his eyes, when he gave her a playful slap to the six.

"Unnhh!" she couldn't stifle her exclamation, "Harm!"

Harm just laughed, making his way back to his room.

OOOO

"So, what is this thing you need to tell me?" Harm asked, when she entered the room again, dressed in sweats and still toweling off her wet hair.

"Commander Willows' widow came by, not long after you left. She told me that the commander wasn't in very good shape when he left for that training exercise. He hadn't been sleeping properly for months and I'm willing to bet that he wasn't of sound mind to be entrusted with the responsibilities expected in such circumstances."

"Well," Harm considered what she had told him, "even if he were the one in charge, he wouldn't be the only one to come under investigation, even if he were still alive. His CO and other superior officers…they must have noticed the state he was in."

Yeah, probably," Mac nodded, adding, "But now I feel so bad for his wife. She's going to have to live with this, on top of everything else…"

"It's a shame," Harm agreed, "She and her husband seemed very close."

"They've been through a lot together, Harm," Mac told him, "She was telling me that they've had three children, all have whom have died soon after birth. The last one, a little girl, lasted three weeks in the NICU before she developed pneumonia and passed away…That was three months ago and it really hit Commander Willows hard, because he wasn't at the hospital when it happened."

Harm nodded, running a hand through his hair, flinching.

"Ahhh…." He groaned, in awful comprehension.

"Yeah," Mac agreed, adding, "And he had been put on administrative duties for a month, a week after the baby died. I'm willing to bet that different superior officers have been noticing things, all of which, put together, have helped contribute to the factors causing this mishap. They just thought they were helping him by ignoring the signs. I'm sure that none of them ever imagined what all this would build up to…"

"I'm sure…" Harm agreed, at the same time studying Mac, covertly. He could tell that this was affecting her at a deep, visceral level. That cautious, concrete way she had been holding herself had not just been because she was soaking wet and freezing cold. It had not left her since he had seen her exit the bathroom. She was wounded and was keeping her distance from him, like an animal would. He decided to give her some more time before he tried to approach the subject of 'us' and the baby deal, so that she would maybe learn to trust him.

"How about a back-rub?" he asked, trying to keep his tone nonchalant, "You still look kinda stiff and sore…Was it all that shivering?"

"Yeah, I guess…" Mac mumbled, making her way over to where he had settled himself on the bed.

"My physiotherapist told me something like that, when I was recovering from my dip in the Atlantic. At first it was sheer hell on my muscles, simply because they were so tired and hyper-sensitized, but eventually, it felt like pure heaven! I'll try to be gentle."

True to his words, his pressure was indeed just right on her sore muscles.

"Mmm," Mac approved, adding, "Don't be gentle, be good…"

Harm chuckled, but didn't stop.

Mac felt a pressure build up as he carefully put his weight on the back of her hips, until the joints popped, loudly.

"Ewww!" Mac exclaimed, laughing loudly.

Harm joined her, knowing that she hated the noise of joints popping, especially on herself, nearly as much as feeling sensation.

She was quiet again as he continued, working his way from her hips, up her back, along her spine. He systematically pressed down firmly on different pressure points, until it was just a bit uncomfortable, then easing off. Each of the muscles in her back was addressed and Mac felt herself getting very relaxed and drowsy.

"Is that better, Mac?"

"Nnn-hmmm…"

"You're shoulders seem very tense, to me…But then again, you do carry a lot of your tension, there. Would you turn over and let me rotate them?"

Mac attempted to, but her limbs felt so heavy that she needed Harm's assistance.

"C'mon, Marine. Here we go…"

Straddling her, he firmly pressed down on her right shoulder with both hands, one over the other. Just as it began to become uncomfortable, he held it for a second then eased it off, slowly.

"That better?"

"Mmmm," she managed to make her head nod.

"Good," he moved onto her left shoulder.

Mac let out a sigh of relief, showing her satisfaction. After that, Harm took each of her arms, in turn and massaged from her shoulder down to her fingers, carefully stretching the limb out as he went. All the time, the two of them held their gaze, never wavering for a second. The expression on his face never changed; it said 'I love you,' 'You are important to me,' and 'I respect you.' Mac's replied, 'I love you,' 'You're important to me too' and 'I trust you with my life.' When he was done, Harm sat back on his heels beside her.

"Well?" he asked.

"Unngghh," was all that Mac could muster, struggling to keep her eyes open.

Harm just chuckled and got up.

"I take it that means we're going to be swapping rooms, tonight?" he asked, taking in her relaxed appearance.

He turned around and started to make his way to her room, to turn in for the night, when Mac spoke up, behind him.

"Harm?" he voice was deep with sleep and Harm couldn't quiet help but think about all the fantasies he'd imagined that voice in.

"Yeah?"

"Please could you stay…and just hold me, tonight?"

"Sure," Harm didn't even hesitate.

He quickly changed into boxers and a t-shirt, in the bathroom and made his way back to the bed, climbing in beside Mac. She had fallen asleep, but stirred as he settled down, rolling in to cuddle in his arms.

"G'night, Marine," he bid her, with a kiss to the top of her head, before closing his eyes, himself.

OOOO


	9. Chapter 9

AN: Okay, i've got a long list of ppl to thank; All individuals who play creative muse on the voting board; Acer-127, Arica, Princess of Rivendel, Aserene, bloodymary2, bluejay65, BrookeUT, cbw, codedriver, connyM1, daisymh, DD2, Froggy 1319, GermanJagaholic, JAGMama2nutz, Janlaw, Lu78, McRose, Michelle UK, moat58, Rein de Nuit, SamBrace, sam jessup, scottiedog, starryeyes10, Staz, the blur, Verabell…If I've left anyone out, I apologise. You have no idea just how you, all of my helpful all of my reviewers have been!

OOOO

From Chapter 8...

"Harm?" her voice was deep with sleep and Harm couldn't quiet help but think about all the fantasies he'd imagined that voice in.

"Yeah?"

"Please could you stay…and just hold me, tonight?"

"Sure," Harm didn't even hesitate.

He quickly changed into boxers and a t-shirt, in the bathroom and made his way back to the bed, climbing in beside Mac. She had fallen asleep, but stirred as he settled down, rolling in to cuddle in his arms.

"G'night, Marine," he bid her, with a kiss to the top of her head, before closing his eyes, himself.

OOOO

Ch 9

The next day, they were both awake and dressed early, but not because they had to report into work. The next day was the funeral of Commander Willows. They had decided to wait until after the funeral to announce their findings to the families of the victims. The press would scramble to cover the news and the last thing Mrs. Willows deserved was to be hounded by the press on the day she buried her husband. Commander Willows would be buried with military honors, in a plot that already held the remains of two of their children. Harm again identified Mac holding herself in a way that suggested she was employing more than just her military training. This was killing her. She was dying inside. Only her marine training was enabling her to hold it together.

"Mrs. Willlows, We're deeply sorry for your loss," Harm paid their condolences, as they left the graveside service.

"Thank you, both of you…"

At this, she turned her gaze towards Mac, obviously remembering their time together, the day before.

"And Colonel MacKenzie, I'll never forget the support and understanding you showed me, yesterday. If you're ever in the situation where you have to make the decision between holding back or just going for it, please, I urge you to just go for it…Believe me, the regrets you'll have for not doing something will weigh on you more than for doing something and it not working out. Take it from me…"

At this, Mrs. Willows made her way with her parents and her in-laws to the waiting limo.

Mac avoided Harm's gaze, all though the journey to the car, then in the car, on the way back to the hotel. Harm didn't push her just yet, because he knew that she was once again feeling extremely raw, perhaps more so than the night before and that night in her apartment. Something about the Willows' situation had struck a chord, hit a nerve deep inside her.

OOOO

You feel like going out to get some lunch?" Harm asked, throwing the car keys down on the table beside the bed.

Mac simply shrugged.

Harm could tell when they got back that Mac was feeling on the weak side. She was allowing him to open the door for her, to guide her to the elevator, guide her into his room, not heading towards hers. It was a moot point, of course; the connecting door was open, so she would be free to go straight into her room from there. But Mac would usually go and open her own door; do it on her own. That was vintage Mac. She was strong; she was the marine. Right now, Harm could see that Mac was so tired, so worn down, that she had also left her barriers down. She just didn't have the strength to keep them up.

"I could go out and get us something…Do you know what you want?"

Mac knew that Harm was being sweet and thoughtful and she just couldn't take it, just then. She shrugged, not able to find her voice, trapped in all of the emotion.

"You want me to choose you something. Surprise you?" he gave her a small grin.

Mac felt the emotions swell up a bit further in her throat. She forced a smile, though it was not genuine and they both knew it, but nodded her head. Harm pulled out his wallet, checking how much money he had on him, while Mac sank to lie down on the bed, rolling onto her side.

"Harm," Mac's quiet voice spoke up, as Harm had his hand on the door.

"Mac?" he asked, turning back around.

She was lying down on the bed, facing him and the tears were already running from her eyes, although she was holding the majority of the deluge back, for now.

"Aw, Mac," Harm felt the words catch in his throat.

He was back to the bed in a millisecond, sitting down on the edge, lying down beside her and taking Mac into his arms. And when he had his strong arms around her, holding her tightly, securely, only then did she let herself break down completely.

Harm couldn't hear most of what she was saying, at first. He just figured that it was stuff that she needed to get out. As she started to calm down, though, she started making more sense.

"Holding back for so long"…."So incredibly tired"…"so sick of denying"…"just want to let go, for once…"

Harm held her tight, rubbing his hand over her back, soothing her.

"I know, Mac…I know, Honey…"

Then she seemed to get upset all over again and he was back to guessing what she was trying to say. She went on like this for a couple of minutes and Harm listened carefully to everything she was saying, but she seemed to be jumping back and forth at a rate that he couldn't keep up with. A couple of times, she made reference to Webb and himself, all in one sentence, but Harm couldn't pick up what she meant by it. She said something about Commander McCool. Then she was saying something about Commander Willows and his wife. She took a deep breath, seemingly to compose herself. She pulled away from him, but only enough to look him direct in the eye.

"I'm so sorry I made you think that this was about you, Harm…It was never about y-you."

He stroked her face, taking away the last of her tears with his thumbs.

" I've always felt w-weak, out of control and for a while, after I joined the Marine Corps, I was able to rise a-above that. But that ended the day I met you. When I was around you, or even just thinking about you, there was something inside me that would always cave in the wake of the strict guidelines I had set myself and for that reason, I felt weak, not in control. It was relatively unfamiliar, something I had worked at to get past and now it was happening again, I got frightened. I tried my best to hold it back, but it would never work."

Some of this was hard for Harm to hear, especially in the form of Mac's still-quivering voice. But he knew that she would explain it to him and in the process set it free, so it would no longer burden her.

"I thought, after my diagnosis and first lot of exploratory surgery that it would be better to just break myself free from you, so that you'd have the chance to move on and find somebody who would be able to give you what you deserved. But it was just so hard…so draining. If I thought it was hard holding myself back, not allowing you to get too close during our partnership, it was infinitely harder trying to push you away completely…"

She prevented him speaking up at this, pressing two fingers to his mouth and shaking her head.

"In the past, when I have ever thought about having children, my thoughts would always go automatically to you. Even when I was dating somebody else, I'd find myself comparing them to you; to your high ethical standards; your sweet, gentle manner. It was so hard to purposefully hurt you, to see you miserable and to deny my own wants so much I ached all over. I can't do it anymore…I want my kids, if I ever have any, to have your eyes, your smile and that butter-wouldn't-melt way of getting out of trouble with me. If it's not meant to be and I never am able to carry our own child, then I want to raise a child in need of a loving home with you…because it has only ever been you. I can't survive without you. I still want to be your best friend, but denying that I want more with you has been killing me inside. It will only ever be you, Harm…"

Harm was once again wiping tears away from her cheeks, but he thought that these ones might be more healing.

"Sarah, you have no idea how I'm rejoicing inside to hear you say that. All of this time without you in my life has been killing me, too. I know that we can't guarantee what the future will hold for us, but we'll be so much stronger together than we are apart. I don't want to live my life without you, you mean so much to me and at this moment, everything I'm feeling for you is threatening to make my heart explode! Raising a child with you is going to be great, no matter what form it comes in, but it's just icing on the cake. I just want to be with you, hold you in my arms every night, for the rest of our natural lives. You're friendship is something that I will always treasure and seek to preserve, but being with you will add to that ten-fold. Please tell me that whatever we face in the future, we'll face it together…"

"Yes, flyboy," Mac confirmed, nodding, "That's exactly what I want, whatever our odds...I want you."

Harm pulled Mac back into his arms, weaving his hand into the hair at the back of her hair.

"Oh Mac," Harm sighed, hardly able to believe that this was finally happening.

"Say it again, Harm," Mac requested, in between kisses.

"I love you," Harm obliged.

"You do?" Mac sounded almost incredulous.

"Yes, I want you," Harm confirmed.

"You do?"

Harm had to laugh, softly, at this.

"So much, Sarah!" he nodded, capturing her lips again.

To prove his point, he cupped her butt in his hands and pulled her harder against him. She could feel his arousal against her stomach as he bucked softly, against her.

"You're not kidding!" Mac laughed, deepening the kiss, thrusting her tongue deep into his mouth, mating her tongue with his.

"Oohhhhh, Maaaacccc!"

She liked the way he said her name, this time. It was sexy, drawn out that way, in that deep, bedroom-like voice he had occasionally adopted in the past (but certainly not nearly often enough. It was something she was resolving to change!)

"Wait, Mac, wait!" Harm suddenly pulled away, but the way he kept threading one hand through her hair, while the other kept kneading her hip, Mac could tell that he wasn't backing away, not anymore.

"This isn't the time for this, Mac," he sounded so disappointed.

Mac nodded ruefully.

It had been only two weeks since her latest bout of exploratory surgery and although she had been given a clean bill of health and the 'ok' to return work, she had been told the wait ten more days before she resumed 'intimate relations.' At the time, she hadn't given it another thought; she didn't expect having sex again at all, let alone that same month.

She turned to roll off the edge and get back to her feet, but Harm grabbed her around the waist and turned her back to him.

"When the time is right and we've put this case to rest, then we'll concentrate on us…Do you have any leave you could take?"

"A week or so, I think."

"How about we go away somewhere? Somewhere warm. I was thinking of the Bahamas, where my Mom and Stepfather have a holiday home."

"Mmm, that sounds heavenly, Harm!" Mac smiled.

"You like?" Harm grinned.

"Oh, yes!"

Mac lowered her lips to his, giving him several small, quick kisses and though they pooled their willpower, it wasn't long before they were involved in a torrid make-out session.

"Harm?" Mac asked, once they were lying together, getting their breathing rate back to normal.

"Yes, Sarah?" Harm locked eyes with her, stroking his hand affectionately through her beautiful tresses.

"What're we going to tell all of the people at JAG? What if they ask questions?"

They just looked at one another and broke out into matching grins.

"I don't care what they think, but I'm going to let them know that I love you more than life itself!" Harm finally revealed his thoughts.

Mac couldn't stop smiling and only a small part of it was due to his fly-boy smile, staring her in the face.

"Good," she approved, "That sounds pretty damn good to me. And so do the Bahamas! You, me, sun, sand, sea…"

"A very big bed," Harm half-teased, with a lascivious grin on his face.

And considering their long-term attraction and their lacking willpower, it was certain that they'd give 'less-than-5-percent' a run for it's money!

FIN


End file.
